The Mean Factor in Professional Emails
Writing professionally is a skill that requires observation and training. It’s about choosing the right words that are neither slang nor too common and conveying a clear message in a formal tone.
Lately, I have come to the realization that I write excellent professional emails. If I were to rate my formal correspondence talents on a scale from one to ten, I would probably give myself an eight and a half and I would suffix it with the words “being modest.” To tell the truth, I don’t think it is that challenging to write a professional email; just steer away from “dude” and “like” and remember to capitalize the beginnings of sentences.
I know that’s an oversimplification of a complicated process (to some) but that’s the bottom line. Then there are different types of professional emails; explanatory emails, introductory emails, request emails, and what have you. However, I seem to be a pro when it comes to mean emails.
And I don’t mean explicitly mean emails that read “We will not do business with you anymore because you suck.” I mean really mean and implicit and hurtful and some times even offensive emails. This will make me look very unsympathetic to you, but let me explain how I discovered this hidden talent in me.
A couple of months ago, a colleague of mine asked me how to write a mean email. I said I do not know exactly and that there isn’t a manual for writing these kinds of emails. Then he told me what the content of the email was (he intended to send it to someone who was late in delivering some service) and asked me to “make it cruel.” But he stressed that he wanted it to be “professionally harsh,” and I made it so. Why I complied and why he was so satisfied with the outcome is beyond me.
Today, a friend of mine sent me an email message that he intends to send to his former employers. These people have not yet sent him a relieving letter, even after eleven months of the termination of his contract with them. He was understandably angry, and his message was telling of that. He asked for my opinion on it and asked me to proof-read it. To my horror, I told him “You can make it equally mean but not so explicitly.” I expect the monstrous edited version from him soon.
Am I doing mean emails for a living now? Do I derive some sort of demented pleasure from writing words which are cold and pinching? Do I compensate for being a nice person (some will laugh at this) with writing parallels of absolute ruthlessness?
I shudder to think of answers to these questions.
