Grow Up Tag Free

Archive for 2009

Fixation : Validation

In Personal on June 26, 2009 at 9:19 pm

My waiting is over. The taxing days of holding my breath, keeping my plans secret, humoring distant possibilities are over. Gone, at least for now.

I was awarded a full PhD studentship by a top UK university and now I embark on a wholly new adventure. I am set to receive my MA degree in August, and to leave Jordan early October. I will be doing a PhD in Women’s Studies– fancy that!

The minute I read that email my life changed. Nobody can now tell me I cannot and will not be able to expand my horizons, for now I am mistress of my own destiny. I had received a partial scholarship from the same university last month but it wasn’t enough to give me peace of mind and I burned my brains out trying to figure out a way to meet my prospective financial needs. I also received offers of scholarships from a Jordanian university but wasn’t at all keen to take them up because they would mean I will put years of my life as unwilling hostages to my sponsors.

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Waiting for Godot

In Life on May 11, 2009 at 1:43 pm

It’s been almost a month since I last wrote here. I’ve been mainly microblogging on Twitter, but I found that Twitter lacks depth. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun, but it’s also superficial. It’s like a cheap hooker when you want a passionate, loyal companion.

The title of the post says it all. Waiting has been the key feature of my days this past month. I have been increasingly busy starting March and the ball just kept rolling. Right now, I am typing this as I wait for my lecture to start. Earlier in the morning I interviewed someone for work, then had lunch with a friend, and now this. Today has been OK, not too busy compared to my typical days recently.

And the state of being busy excites me. It excites me because it makes time move quicker, but very soon this excitement turns into fear. Time moves too fast for me to understand it. I’ve always had this problem and I’ve said it over and over again in this blog: I don’t understand the passage of time. As I consume time doing things, I do not get the chance to fully absorb them or appreciate them, and then I find that they become part of the past. It’s this fleeting nature of things and time that makes me a skeptic. How can I know anything for sure when I do not fully grasp what I do, or what is done to me?

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Twitter

In Metablog on April 13, 2009 at 7:05 pm

Since I can’t find the time or the energy or the desire to blog much anymore, I decided to give microblogging a shot. I’ve always been against it, sillifying it whenever I can, but as with other trends I sillify, I end up trying them anyway.

I added a Twitter widget to The Box, it’s at the bottom of the right column. This will be where I post my rubbish and other vital stuff you absolutely need for your spiritual and intellectual well-being. I imagine it will mostly be trivia, the kind I don’t need to tell and you don’t need to know, but is totally publishable just because I have a Twitter account.

What actually motivated me to start tweeting is this following mockumentary about Flutter, the new Twitter. It’s hilarious in a creepy realistic kind of way, because I can definitely see something like the stuff in the video happening in reality. I mean let’s face it, 140 characters is a lot of talk and nobody has the time for vowels any longer. Watch this, it’s good:


HERE’S A LINK TO MY TWITTER. CLICK ME! …or just check the right column in this blog. I should totally drop my caps, and stop saying totally.

Sketchy

In Life on April 7, 2009 at 4:53 pm

Draft from March 29th:

I walked into the bookshop last night to prove a point. A couple of points actually. A-current fuel prices are making me the queen of mobility. B-I’m committed to buying the book I’m required to buy for class.

What do you mean it’s “censored?” You have The Lion of Jordan and you don’t have The Israel Lobby and U.S. Foreign Policy?

I ended up buying The Lion of Jordan even though I am not a fan of reading about the ruling family. Figured my father might enjoy it, at any rate, it makes for a good addition to my small library. It’s way down on my reading list though, right at the bottom.

I forgot where I parked my car. I went to the wrong level and imagined that my Havana got stolen. Then it occurred to me, I should have washed her at least. I spent a solid five minutes running around in circles, panicking, imagining life without my car, before realizing that I parked somewhere else. I found her at last. Sweet reunion with my mechanical companion.

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Inside Out

In Opinion on March 22, 2009 at 6:38 pm

Some guy I knew briefly a couple of years ago sent me Bryan Adams’ song “Inside Out” at one point in time and, in the folly of youth, I got excited. I thought the man really wanted to know who I was; my darkest hour, my hardest fight.

Do we ever really know the people around us? Do we ever know who our partners are? Yes, surely we know how they talk and how they behave, but that is only true for what they choose to reveal to us. We know only that much, and nothing else.

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Dreams Derailed

In Opinion, Wonder Woman on March 13, 2009 at 8:43 pm

March 8th was International Women’s Day, and I remained mum.
March 10th was the 6th tragiversary of my aunt’s death, and I forgot.
March 12th was the 2nd blog about Jordan day, and I didn’t participate.

While attending a seminar last summer at the Socialist Thought Forum, about women and the Left, I was genuinely captivated by the eloquence of the speaker — a Palestinian activist. She knew her stuff and she spoke so well that I almost couldn’t breathe. I had found it, I knew I had found it even though I didn’t know what it was.

In the Q&A session that followed, a man with side parted hair stood up. He demanded to know if women had a “special condition” that would call for “special treatment.” The man with side parted hair was wearing a white shirt and grey pants, he had grayish hair even though he was young. He was clearly emotional as he made his case against the separation of man and woman, his arms moving restlessly and his voice a tad louder than necessary.

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Cloning

In Salon on March 6, 2009 at 8:14 pm

I won’t allow myself to be cloned because that would be in violation of nature’s copyrights. Also, I’m both unworthy of the privilege and wary of its results. What if my clone was a cheap imitation of me; someone with no identity crisis? That would shatter me into a million trillion, pieces. And the clone would survive!

Would you like to be cloned? Make a compelling case.

Philosophizing

In Opinion on March 2, 2009 at 8:26 pm

People, I am not contemplating suicide. If I were, I wouldn’t announce it. I was merely presenting a philosophical point of view, which I happen to subscribe to, for debate. That said, judging by the cliches contributed (no offense, eh?), I bet Orwell is turning in his grave right about now.

We need a healthy dose of philosophy so we may be able to exercise our minds a bit, step beyond our mundane thought patterns– maybe even shock ourselves with our audacity. Imagine letting go of all of your preconceived notions and floating about naked in intellectual wonder. That’s what we should do every now and then: float about naked, uninhibited, unleashed, child-like. It is only then that we begin to learn who we truly are.

Thus spake Tololy.

Suicide

In Salon on February 23, 2009 at 2:00 pm

“There is but one truly serious philosophical problem and that is suicide,” said Camus. Each day I subscribe more willingly to this point of view. That’s not a severe task, as the idea is far from radical. Indeed, it seems to me perfectly logical.

Is suicide an act of philosophical introspection? A stretching of the boundaries of self-awareness perhaps? What do you think?*

*Please avoid cliches, there is so little time in life as it is, no need to waste it on stuff that everyone repeats.

يزني القهر بنا

In عربي on February 18, 2009 at 8:42 pm

المثقفون الاردنيون يعتصمون أمام معبر رفح احتجاجاً على منعهم

العريش – مساء الاربعاء 18/2/2009

على مقربة من سحب الدخان السوداء التي ارتفعت في السماء نتيجة للقصف الاسرائيلي للمنطقة الحدودية لغزة صباح اليوم، اعتصم وفد مبادرة “مثقفون اردنيون من اجل غزة” امام البوابة الخارجية لمعبر رفح الحدودي بعد ان نجحوا في الوصول اليه ولكن منعوا لليوم الثاني على التوالي من دخوله او العبور الى داخل قطاع غزة المحاصر باحكام.

نفس العذر الذي استخدم يوم امس لايقاف الوفد قبل الوصول الى مدينة رفح، كان هو المستخدم اليوم لمنعهم من دخول مبنى المعبر الحدودي او التوجه الى غزة: عدم الحصول على كتاب “تسهيل مرور” من السفارة الاردنية في القاهرة.

وفي اتصال اجراه منسق المبادرة الدكتور هشام البستاني مع السفير الاردني في القاهرة الدكتور هاني الملقي، اوضح السفير ان لديه تعليمات مشددة جدا من قبل الخارجية المصرية بعدم اصدار اي كتاب تسهيل مرور لأي كان من الافراد او الوفود الراغبين بالدخول الى غزة، وأن اي كتاب مثل هذا لم يصدر عن السفارة منذ تاريخ 3/2/2009. وبالتالي فمن المستحيل الحصول على مثل هذا الكتاب.

وفود أخرى على المعبرتمنع من الدخول لنفس الاسباب. فأمام مبنى المعبر يتواجد بشكل يومي وفود من ماليزيا وفرنسا وبريطانيا على أمل السماح بالدخول دون طائل، والسبب المعطى في كل الحالات هو “عدم توفر كتاب تسهيل مرور” من قبل سفارة البلد المعني. ولكن حتى اولئك الحاصلين على مثل هذا الكتاب لا يدخلون، فهناك فريق انتاج تلفزيوني اردني يحمل كتاب تسهيل مرور ممنوع من الدخول منذ خمسة وعشرين يوماَ، وهناك بعض الفرنسيين يحملون مثل هذا الكتاب، لكن المنع يشملهم أيضا.

مصادر مبادرة “مثقفون اردنيون من اجل غزة” رأت ان هناك توافقاً حكومياً بين الحكومة المصرية وحكومات الدول الاخرى لعزل قطاع غزة بالكامل عن اي تواصل حقيقي وجسدي مع العالم الخارجي، فضباط المعبر يقولون ان لا مانع لديهم من دخول الوفود التضامنية والانسانية شرط الحصول على كتاب تسهيل مرور من سفارات الدول المعنية، والسفارات تقول ان لديها تعليمات مشددة من قبل الخارجية المصرية بعدم اعطاء اية كتب من هذا النوع أو تعطي كتبا لا تأثير لها، وتضيع الوفود بين الجهتين.

وأمام الرفض القاطع الذي ووجه به وفد “مثقفون اردنيون من أجل غزة”، أعلن أعضاء الوفد وهم الفنان التشكيلي محمد نصر الله، والموسيقي والفنان الملتزم كمال خليل مؤسس فرقة بلدنا، ورسام الكاريكاتير محمد ابو عفيفة، والمخرج عائد نبعة، ورسام الكاريكاتير عبد الرحمن الجعبري، والاعلامية كوثر عرار، والشاعر الشاب يوسف أبو جيش، اضافة الى منسق المبادرة الكاتب والقاص الدكتور هشام البستاني، اعتصاما ووقفة احتجاجية امام المعبر، شاركت بها الوفود المتواجدة كلها

Attention Japanophiles!

In Bits & pieces on February 14, 2009 at 7:12 pm

The first Daiso store is now open in Jordan!

They have the coolest wrapping paper and Japanese kites, hair clips and cute boxes, and they even have calligraphy brushes and wooden toys! Their prices make you pile one useless, but super kawaii, thing upon another — just because you can! Everything has anime-like characters drawn on it with a lot of Japanese everywhere, and the Arabic translations are sure to make you laugh.

The store is in Istiklal Mall, and you should definitely pay it a visit. It’s pretty awesome.

If Only

In Life on February 12, 2009 at 2:42 pm

Why is it that whenever I achieve something, my parents are quick to attribute it to god, and not to my abilities and hard work?  They recognize my efforts but assign them only 50% of their credit. The other 50% goes to a divine, invisible plotter.

And then, when things work out and I get ahead in my career, they congratulate me and follow with an “if only you prayed, if only you were more in touch with god, if only…” It is as if nothing I do is good enough unless I link it to the heavens.

This makes me wonder if there is a prerequisite for parental love. Do parents sit down and discuss the attributes they’d like their children to have as they plan to become pregnant? Perhaps they write these down in points, things like “attention to details,” or “moderate religiousness,”  or even “blind obedience.”

I am obviously not what my parents bargained for. And I think they are going through a severe spell of buyers’ regret. Thinking about this, it must suck to be a parent and get stuck with a child not quite as conforming as you’d like. You’re bound together until death do you part, literally.

في الحانة القديمة

In Literature, عربي on February 11, 2009 at 1:15 pm

فيما “أكافح” كل شيء، كما استنتج أحد أصدقائي، لا لسبب إنما لأنني أريد أن أكفر عن خطيئة تسليمي بالأشياء في مرحلة سابقة، فيما أكافح كما يقول هو، و أعاند, و أتمشكل، و أمثل، يتسرب من ذلك البحر الداكن في عقلي شيء من الحب مصدره المطر و الشوق و الوحدة. أعرف أنهم لا يعلمون، و سلواي أنني أعلم. لماذا أبحث عنهم إذاً؟

المشرب ليس بعيداً.. ما جدوى ذلك
أنت كما الاسفنجة تمتص الحانات
ولا تسكر
يحزنك المتبقي من عمر الليل بكاسات الثملين
لماذا تركوها؟
هل كانوا عشاقاً؟
هل كانوا لوطيين بمحض إرادتهم كلقاءات القمة؟
هل كانت بغي ليس لها أحد
في هذي الدنيا الرثة؟
لو كنت هنا خبأت بسترتك التاريخية رغبتها
وهمست بدفء في رئتيها الباردتين..
أيقتلك البرد؟
أنا يقتلني نصف الدفء.. ونصف الموقف أكثر
سيدتي.. نحن بغايا مثلك
يزني القهر بنا.. والدين الكاذب.. والفكر الكاذب..
والخبز الكاذب..

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Chemistry

In Love on February 5, 2009 at 3:25 pm
  • S: (v) ask (direct or put; seek an answer to) “ask a question”
  • How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
  • S: (n) visual perception, beholding, seeing (perception by means of the eyes)
  • S: (n) talk, talking (an exchange of ideas via conversation) “let’s have more work and less talk around here”
  • S: (n) chemistry, interpersonal chemistry, alchemy (the way two individuals relate to each other) “their chemistry was wrong from the beginning — they hated each other”; “a mysterious alchemy brought them together”
  • S: (v) go steady, go out, date, see (date regularly; have a steady relationship with) “Did you know that she is seeing an older man?”; “He is dating his former wife again!”
  • S: (n) fight, fighting, combat, scrap (the act of fighting; any contest or struggle) “a fight broke out at the hockey game”; “there was fighting in the streets”; “the unhappy couple got into a terrible scrap”
  • S: (n) yelling, shouting (uttering a loud inarticulate cry as of pain or excitement)
  • S: (n) pause, intermission, break, interruption, suspension (a time interval during which there is a temporary cessation of something)
  • S: (v) reconcile, patch up, make up, conciliate, settle (come to terms) “After some discussion we finally made up”
  • S: (n) sexual love, lovemaking, making love, love, love life (sexual activities (often including sexual intercourse) between two people) “his lovemaking disgusted her”; “he hadn’t had any love in months”; “he has a very complicated love life”
  • S: (v) laugh, express joy, express mirth (produce laughter)
  • S: (n) closeness, intimacy (a feeling of being intimate and belonging together) “their closeness grew as the night wore on”
  • S: (n) life (the course of existence of an individual; the actions and events that occur in living) “he hoped for a new life in Australia”; “he wanted to live his own life without interference from others”
  • S: (n) fight, fighting, combat, scrap (the act of fighting; any contest or struggle) “a fight broke out at the hockey game”; “there was fighting in the streets”; “the unhappy couple got into a terrible scrap”
  • S: (n) crying, weeping, tears (the process of shedding tears (usually accompanied by sobs or other inarticulate sounds)) “I hate to hear the crying of a child”; “she was in tears”
  • S: (adj) aloof, distant, upstage (remote in manner) “stood apart with aloof dignity”; “a distant smile”; “he was upstage with strangers”
  • S: (n) termination, ending, conclusion (the act of ending something) “the termination of the agreement”
  • S: (n) forlornness, loneliness, desolation (sadness resulting from being forsaken or abandoned)
  • S: (v) overcome, get over, subdue, surmount, master (get on top of; deal with successfully) “He overcame his shyness”
  • S: (n) encore (an extra or repeated performance; usually given in response to audience demand)
  • S: (n) death, decease, expiry (the event of dying or departure from life) “her death came as a terrible shock”; “upon your decease the capital will pass to your grandchildren”
  • And, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death.

Free Floater

In Personal on January 31, 2009 at 6:47 pm

Ever since my return to Amman I have become a free floater. I feel like I am floating in time and space. The reason is simple: my life is about to change dramatically. I quit my job thereby ridding myself of that commitment, I started working on a project that excites me beyond words and which I believe holds a lot of potential, and I miraculously secured familial support for an important plan for my future. These three shackles lost have freed me up to a scary degree.

Someone told me yesterday that I have lost my edge. I suppose that misjudgment came about because I am generally more relaxed now, a little more focused, a little less reckless. I am a happier person, even though I am dreadfully more politically savvy and bordering on hypocritical out of necessity. These are temporal sacrifices I must make and keep my eyes on the prize.

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ماذا حصل في الرابية؟

In Jordan, عربي on January 10, 2009 at 3:09 pm

أنشر هنا تسجيلاً لأحداث الرابية كما يرويها صديقي هشام البستاني, أحد المشاركين في المظاهرات

يومٌ دامٍ في عَمّان

هشام البستاني*

ياسر ابو هلالة صحفي شجاع، وهو بالاضافة الى ذلك مدير مكتب الجزيرة في عمان، وتعرض للضرب والاهانة، مثله مثل باقي الناس المتواجدين في المظاهرة التي انطلقت ظهر أمس الجمعة 9/1/2009 في الرابية، الضاحية العمانية التي تستقر بها سفارة الكيان الصهيوني.


لكن لأن الجزيرة تملك ثقلاً اعلامياً كبيراً، ولأن خبر ضربه ظهر مباشرة على الشريط الاخباري، ومن ثم في نشرة الاخبار، فقد تلقى على الفور مكالمة من الملك الاردني للاطمئنان على صحته، تبعته زيارة له من قبل رئيس الوزراء نادر الذهبي ووزير الداخلية عيد الفايز والناطق الرسمي باسم الحكومة ناصر جودة، وظهروا يُقَبّلونه معتذرين والابتسامات على محياهم، مُعْلِمينه بأنهم شكلوا لجنة للتحقيق في الحادث المؤسف، ومؤكدين له أنها حادثة فردية.

حادثة فردية؟ الآن نسأل هؤلاء المسؤولين جميعاً: ماذا عن عشراتٍ من الآخرين الذي تلقوا الشتائم والاهانات والضرب المبرح بالهروات واللكم والركل والدعس في البطون؟ من سيعتذر لهم؟ ومن سيشكل لجان تحقيق حول ما تعرضوا له؟ والى متى سيظل المواطن في الاردن رخيصاً الى درجة ان صلاحيات رجال الامن تشمل ضربه وسبه والدعس في بطنه؟ الى متى سيظل المواطن “حادثة فردية”؟

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Washing The Shame Away

In Opinion on January 5, 2009 at 2:47 am

The Israeli war on Gaza is the hot topic at the moment. It’s everywhere; in random chats, on TV, in the papers, in blogs, in the background of every daily activity of anyone who has seen the pictures of the bloodshed in Gaza.

A lot of what is being said about the situation is emotional. That’s understandable. It’s hard to restrain your emotions when you see your people being maimed by Israeli bombs, dismembered in the streets and killed in mosques, and when you hear the aggressive occupiers dismissing their crimes as if they were nothing. The damage does not stop at the physical destruction in Gaza, but is carved deep in the minds of everyone who sees it: this lust for blood which our “neighbor” periodically displays both frightens and angers us. The international official silence and our leaders’ utter failure to act burns deeper still.

How can you not be emotional when you experience all the shame and shock in the world; shame because you are part of the problem, and shock because the world is not doing anything to solve it?

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نوال السعداوي تكتب، إذن تعيش

In Wonder Woman on January 3, 2009 at 2:51 pm

في مقال نشره موقع الحوار المتمدن اليوم، تكنب نوال السعداوي تحت عنوان أنا أكتب إذن أنا أعيش

لأني أكتب فأنا لا أعرف الغربة أو الغرابة أو الكآبة أو الفجيعة أو الفضيحة أو غيرها مما يحزن البشر، ومن ماذا يحزن البشر أكثر من هذا؟ امرأة يموت زوجها لماذا تحزن أو امرأة يخونها زوجها مع نساء آخريات لماذا تكتئب؟ أو رجل يدخل السجن أو يرحل إلى المنفى؟ لماذا يشعر بالغربة أو الحزن؟ لماذا لا يبتهج بالتجربة الجديدة، بالحياة المختلفة دون زوج أو أسرة أو وطن؟

الكتابة تجعل الوطن هو كل العالم، تجعل الإنسانية هي الأسرة والوطن، الكتابة هي حياتي وراء الشمس، وأمام الشمس، هي حروفي بقلمي المطبوعة على الورق، تربطني بالناس وتربط الناس بي في كل البلاد بكل اللغات، لهذا أستقبل الصبح الجديد بحب جديد، بأفكار جديدة تنتظر القلم والورق، أحب رائحة أوراقي أكثر من أي عطر.

قال لي زوجي الثاني ذات يوم: أنت تكرهين الجنس! أنت تكرهين الرجال!، قلت له: غير صحيح أنا مثل البشر بكل غرائزهم، ولكني أحب الكتابة أكثر من الجنس والرجال، اندهش الزوج الذي لم يعرف لذة الكتابة وقال: يعني إيه تحبي أكوام الورق ده أكتر من زوجك؟

تصور الرجل أن العيب فيه أو في فحولته لكني شرحت له الأمر دون جدوى، لم يكن خياله قادراً على إدراك حقيقة: أن المرأة لها عقل يفكر، وأن التفكير وحده لا يكفي ليكون الإنسان إنساناً، بل لابد من التعبير، لابد من توصيل الأفكار للناس، وأضفت قائلة: إن ديكارت قال نصف الحقيقة فقط، لا يكفى أن تفكر لتعيش، وانفجر الزوج غاضباً ولعن أبو ديكارت وأبو الشخص المجنون الذي أباح التعليم للنساء!

بعد الطلاق أقسم الرجل ألا يقترب من امرأة تقرأ، فما بال أن تقرأ وتكتب، ثم زوّجته أمة لفتاة من العائلة لا تفك الخط

تجدون المقال كاملاً على هذا الرابط

Not An Apologia

In Metablog on January 3, 2009 at 7:51 am

I’m still not sure why I decided to pick up blogging again. When I made the decision to take a break, I was pretty sure I will not revive this blog. I had many reasons to think so, most of which still stand now.

One of these reasons was/is my getting tired of what I call the gang mentality which plagues the Jordanian blogosphere. Everyone knows everyone else in person, it seems, and these connections develop into cliques which reproduce Jordanian society at large — complete with its social-economic-political-cultural maladies. I suppose you can argue that that’s exactly what social networking is about, connecting people, but wait a minute, I thought technology would empower us to think outside the box, not to bury our heads deep inside it.  I thought technology would help us to craft a better model for our society to follow, to grow as individuals. That, to me, means no favoristic semi-exclusive gangs.

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