Not An Apologia

I’m still not sure why I decided to pick up blogging again. When I made the decision to take a break, I was pretty sure I will not revive this blog. I had many reasons to think so, most of which still stand now.

One of these reasons was/is my getting tired of what I call the gang mentality which plagues the Jordanian blogosphere. Everyone knows everyone else in person, it seems, and these connections develop into cliques which reproduce Jordanian society at large — complete with its social-economic-political-cultural maladies. I suppose you can argue that that’s exactly what social networking is about, connecting people, but wait a minute, I thought technology would empower us to think outside the box, not to bury our heads deep inside it.  I thought technology would help us to craft a better model for our society to follow, to grow as individuals. That, to me, means no favoristic semi-exclusive gangs.

I was also dead wrong about my expectation to initiate and to have uncensored discussions through this blog. I myself censor my posts; I can’t express my political opinions openly for fear of persecution (and no, Jordanian “democracy” will not guarantee my safety), I can’t express my thoughts on religion as bluntly as I’d like, and I often hesitate before publishing posts about the situation of women in modern society for fear of being dismissed as “an angry man-hater.” Heck, I don’t even use my real name for the above mentioned reasons! If I am limited thus, how can I expect others to be any different?

Another, existentialist, reason which still stands today is the very nature of this blog. In months past, I felt my posts were a collection of unconnected opinions, personal accounts, and various clippings from here and there to illustrate a point or to be sarcastic. I still feel the same way, but I am more at peace with this now. This blog is part of who I am, and I am these things. I am sarcastic, I like writing and orange juice, I am slightly egocentric, I am pretty multi-layered and ever-changing, exactly like this blog.

Yet another reason is my own personal demon, that being a private matter I won’t discuss here at this point in time. Suffice to say that the cloud of despair with which I was plagued has lifted, at least temporarily. In addition to that, I was very busy in recent months, in a really, really good way and a really, really bad way. That usually left me exhausted or simply not interested in blogging and ultimately led to my decision to stop.

To balance things out, there were reasons why the time was right for me to resuscitate Tololy’s Box. To start with, I missed it. I guess it has become a serious hobby of sorts, an exercise in writing and a worthwhile activity. My favorite part about it is that it has become a register of my intellectual growth, for future reference.

I also felt like I had things to say which were not being said in the blogs I read. There were too many excellent links wasted, too many articles and posts neglected, and some issues were simply never brought up. I kept looking around trying to find posts treating some of these pivotal issues, to no avail. That was frustrating, but it encouraged me to come back so I can blog about what I find to be important, interesting, or plain bizarre.

Perhaps the most selfish reason of all is that I realized what this blog can do for me. I recognized its power and potential, especially when it comes to my desired career. I’m a practical person, and so I will shamelessly take advantage of this situation and work it to my benefit.

There. I said it. I’m thinking outside the box.