Fixation : Validation

My waiting is over. The taxing days of holding my breath, keeping my plans secret, humoring distant possibilities are over. Gone, at least for now.

I was awarded a full PhD studentship by a top UK university and now I embark on a wholly new adventure. I am set to receive my MA degree in August, and to leave Jordan early October. I will be doing a PhD in Women’s Studies– fancy that!

The minute I read that email my life changed. Nobody can now tell me I cannot and will not be able to expand my horizons, for now I am mistress of my own destiny. I had received a partial scholarship from the same university last month but it wasn’t enough to give me peace of mind and I burned my brains out trying to figure out a way to meet my prospective financial needs. I also received offers of scholarships from a Jordanian university but wasn’t at all keen to take them up because they would mean I will put years of my life as unwilling hostages to my sponsors.

The odds were not exactly in my favor in getting this studentship. The university gives out only three of these full studentships for the entire pool of international PhD applicants, so I wasn’t optimistic about nabbing one. I had been obsessive-compulsively checking my inbox for a week before receiving that email, and when I did receive it, I scanned it looking for key words indicating regret. I was looking for “sorry” and instead I read “happy.”

For a minute I thought I didn’t read it correctly. I read “happy” again, then I found “successful application” and my heart instantly started racing. I gasped for air as I held my quivering tummy in place, I felt so sick I almost puked. I continued to feel physically unwell for the following two days. Every time I thought about the marvelousness of what had happened to me, I felt incredibly ill. At one point I cried of joy; this was finally happening.

Life is working out in my favor, and it’s about bloody time, too! I can’t relate my feelings in words even if I tried, since this is a monumental event that has changed my life and will continue to do so for many years to come. My acceptance at the PhD program last winter was a magnificent success, particularly because I got in despite parental opposition and after a long struggle with societal pressures to submit to a destiny crafted by others. My blood and tears were not in vain after all and I say this quite literally. This recent validation of my stubborn determination makes my dream all the more precious, all the more tangible. I can almost taste it and, to their chagrin, so can they.

I have never been happier in my entire life. Never have I felt so comfortable being who I am, never so free. I am eagerly awaiting my transition from limbo to life and, as ever, keeping my eyes on the prize. Future, here I come!