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Hopeful

In Blurty on May 14, 2006 at 8:53 pm

“I do not feel obliged to believe
that the same God who has endowed us
with sadness, reason and intellect
has intended us to forgo their use”

So all the stars
Will guide us on our way
The Sextant as a leader
Has duration for all days

Look at the amazing skies
In long and profund discoveries
With a strong and a clear mind he’s encrypting
More secrets of astronomy

In endless nights
He entirely observes the skies
His publications will change the world

Galileo Galilei

Only what my eyes will see, I will believe!
Day and night – seperated by the light

In Pisa he’s required
To teach the theory
That the stars and all the planets
Revolve around the earth
But he believed
In a different truth
The heliocentric one
Proposed by Kopernikus
A new age has begun

The stolen sun
Makes their fear rise
And man will sacrifice
The moon is the reason why

The amazing skies…

In endless nights..

And all the servants of the cross – they will deny
Will deny the starlight

In Pisa he’s required
To teach the theory
That the stars and all the planets
Revolve around the earth
But he believed
In a different truth
The heliocentric one
Proposed by Kopernikus
A new age has begun

Haggard – The Observer

Untitled

In Blurty on August 19, 2005 at 10:19 pm

Must.Let.Go

The monster I’ve become

In Blurty on July 29, 2005 at 9:56 pm

That title has little or nothing to do with what I will record now. Some thoughtful person has been messing with my privacy for a month now,and it just shocks me how severely sick some people can get. Punishment is on the way though,not to worry. And I have no intentions to heal that person’s sickness. As a matter of fact I fantasize about inflecting physical pain on him. It’s now my ultimate craving, a burning desire within me to hear whatever voices of pain and suffering he can produce. That would be a sight now! A mental pervert in pain… oh how I crave it!

I am becoming paranoid.. obssessed with the idea of “safety”, which is really just an illusion. I am never safe, not online, not in reality, be it in the supermarket or in my bed, in the bathrrom or on the street. Never safe. Not even in the arms of a lover. This applies to you too. Be careful, be very careful. Leave no traces,no clues,and certainly no pictures or written material that can tie you down to any period of your life that you would want nobody to know about. The world is full of crazy people, and they are after ME!

I am a weirdo magnet. That said, it just seems natural that curious things happen in my life. I just tore out pages of my diary, and I intend to dispose of them. I am going nuts but if it means being a little bit safer or closer to that sweet illusion of safety that tickles my dreams then by all means, I’m your favorite fruitcake!

How many people know where you live?How many people do you think have your email address?How many people have pictures of you?How many people know your name?How many people have your number? Do you really know? Do you really know them all?

find your rhythm

In Blurty on July 23, 2005 at 11:40 pm

When we want to jump rope we should “find our own rhythm”. I lost my rhythm in this place… It absorbed my creativity and I am now waiting for a break out… It seems as though the two contrasting realities of my life,the first being my life back home and the second being my temporary stay here, it seems as though they are just ripping at my patience. I’m tired. I realise much too clearly what I miss, both here and there. but this realisation doesn’t help but to increase the contrast and never to start a bridge. I’m stuck… I won’t let this stop me.

Untitled

In Blurty on June 17, 2005 at 12:11 pm

I don’t want to leave tsuki-san and baby owl…

super jammed

In Blurty on June 15, 2005 at 4:24 am

I know you’re probably waiting for some news about baby owl so I will not make you wait any longer. The thing is, I read about owls as pets and turns out that the two words just don’t go together. Owls do not make good pets and don’t want to, they violently oppose domestication and one should never try to keep them as pets. It’s just not right. I also read that no matter how nice you are to owls and no matter how long you keep them they will always want to get away and will never become friendly. They dislike us as babies and when they’re older they dislike us even more. Actually baby owl always hisses at me and spreads her wings and clicks her beak… that’s a fact. Another interesting thing that I read is that if one finds an injured owl (much like baby owl) then it’s suffering from a shock and will not defend itself, which is exactly what happened when I got baby owl. She was very passive and I even had to shove bits of meat down her throat to feed her, at the time I thought I was being Mama Bird and I liked it. The next day she sort of sobered up and started biting the meat bits off the toothpick in a very aggressive manner. I liked that too but by comparison it proved to me that she was traumatized at first.

So that same night after the reading that I did,baby owl again proved the things I read to be correct. She kept banging herself against the bars of the cage (it’s a big cage) until she bled. Her blood spattered all over the place, it was a mess to wake up to in the morning. I decided to let her go,afterall that’s what’s recommended. I put the cage outside with the door open so as to let her fly away when she feels like it. She disappeared for 5 hours but returned by midday. Needless to say, I still feed her and take care of her wound…I really want her to stay but I have to let nature take its course.

Life has been absolutely crazy lately. I am so jammed and I don’t even know where to begin sorting things out! I got a visa yesterday and I will be leaving to the states on Monday…if all goes well. It just happened so fast and I am so stressed out… I’ve been having this terrible headache these past couple of days and it just blocks everything in..I can’t even think straight. I still have an exam to go and I haven’t started studying for it yet, it’s tomorrow. God! tomorrow is such a crammed day!!!

Oh and I liked being called ma’am. It’s so cute. I’m off now.

I should’ve been a vet

In Blurty on June 11, 2005 at 12:27 pm

3 finals gone & 3 still to go. I love the way I feel these days, I’m just numb and it is such an elevating feeling! Today I went with my family to our house in Karak. On our way there I saw strange things. To start with; there was a really shaggy village with mud houses right next to the desert road… it looked so dead and so forgotten. But as I wondered how these people lived there and how it must be like, I saw a white kite flying up in the sky above the mud houses and it made me so happy. I kept staring at the kite until it vanished.

30 minutes later, I was looking at some houses and I suddenly saw a white rabbit going right into the main entrance of one of the villas. At fist glance I thought I was imagining things but I looked real hard and it was a rabbit!!! It somehow reminded me of the rabbit and the magician in Sophie’s World… that part got me thinking.
Then my brothers invented a silly gig to entertain themselves. Everytime we pass a car by one of them would say “Excuse us” and they would start laughing. I still don’t get it… I think it’s the sun and the heat, it messed with their heads.

Then the road ended.
I had a great time. Tsuki-san was there too and he enjoyed it alot. Well then the “men” of the family decided to go hunting while I was napping. They returned with a wounded baby owl. My brother had shot her not knowing it was an owl so they brought her to me. It was only natural for me to want to fix her and keep her, so I took her home with me. We hit the road again: a 1984 Honda crowded with creatures. 4 grownups, 1 baby, 1 kitten,1 baby owl. It was extremely surreal and I couldn’t help but laugh. Who would’ve believed that?

So I got back home and the first thing I did was see what’s wrong with baby owl. When I took a close look to clean the wound I just cried I always cry when I see hurt creatures because I imagine the amount of pain they must be suffering from, having cried and all I cleaned her wound and did the necessary and wrapped it with a bandage etc. I had previously feared the bullet rested inside since there was no exit wound. But to my great delight I discovered there was no bullet inside the wound simply because she wasn’t that badly hurt. Apparently she was flying and spreading her wings when my brother shot her,this explains the wound being located UNDER the wing and the wing not being affected at all. Adding to that, the bullet didn’t actually penetrate her body it just shattered surface flesh and flew on. I thought I saw her bones showing through the wound,but later I found out it was just lightly colored and de-feathered skin. I felt so good.

This made me think… that maybe I do fit in heaven afterall.

In my mind, I am an orange

In Blurty on June 6, 2005 at 7:59 am

back with my sticky fingers… now having vinegar & salt flavoured chips and the fingers actually are sticky due to the constant licking of the tiny chipsy bits that I personally enjoy taunting. I’m also having a fizzy orange drink. mmm… I wonder if I will ever turn into an orange!

In Blurty on June 6, 2005 at 2:42 am

so here I am suckin on a juicy orange and trying to type with my sticky fingers, which is totally working.. amazing huh?
I was born August 13th, a licensed summer child. But I don’t like watermelons or butterflies or grasshoppers. Watermelons are so liquidish and watery and sticky to say the least. If I’m thirsty I should drink water, not eat that curious thing. Grasshoppers are ugly and I have reasons to believe they are wicked.

mmm… I wonder if I can survive on oranges alone.

Parental hypocrisy

In Blurty on June 4, 2005 at 10:20 am

Trying not to get judgmental is no easy business, but seriously now, I think parents are the greatest hypocrites to ever exist among us. Most of them preach virtue but are in fact the biggest sinners; they teach their children honesty while they are the biggest liars themselves, and they pretend to love their children but also find it proper to complain and wish they were never parents. What is that all about? I just can’t justify that, I mean, if you don’t want kids then don’t make any. And more importantly, if you are not fit to have kids then PLEASE don’t make any! Don’t go around having kids and then bitching about it all the time to your friends and family or making them feel you are God for the rest of their lives just because you did a very simple biological thing and created them. It’s just pathetic.

Too teenager-like for you? News flash: it’s not! Just take a look at parents around you, I know some of them really love their kids and all that but how many of them actually realize the responsibility that lies upon them as they raise their kids? How many of them earnestly reflected on the thought that they are creating LIFE, as they were in the process of creating it? How many parents do you know do not act as if they own their kids and whenever their kids gain a sense of independence they feel they’re losing their grip? How many parents do you know, in this country, treat their children equally? How many parents, again in this country, think about their financial and social situation BEFORE making any kids? They simply have kids and more kids only to realize they can’t really afford bringing them up, most of them solemnly believe that this has something to do with religion, I really can’t agree with that. Simple math: if you can’t give them the best, don’t have them. And if you’re not mentally and emotionally ready to receive them and accept them the way they are, then –I guess you know the rest of the sentence by now- don’t have them!

So back to my argument about parental hypocrisy. What I find so strikingly funny is that so many moms teach their kids not to lie (morality 101) but they also teach them NOT to object to their lies in public. I’ll explain, a mom teaches her daughter not to lie because that’s wrong. But this same mom lies in front of her own daughter and teaches her not to object to that and that it’s OK because this is mom lying.
Yet another real-life example of how parents are such hypocrites. They teach their children not to do all sorts of forbidden things while they have a been there done that situation. Which means they themselves have done all the things they tell their kids not to do. Some might argue that is because they don’t want their kids to commit the same mistakes and get in trouble, but hello? I’m so not buying that. Children want to explore things for themselves and this is something parents just don’t get. They will do these things sooner or later and will probably not tell their parents about them due to the constant preaching and, needless to say, the fact that their parents are hypocrites.

This naturally doesn’t mean I am anti-parents. I sometimes like them but most of the time I am indifferent to or repulsed by their actions. Maybe one day I’ll be as much a hypocrite as they are. But well at least I’ll know I’m a hypocrite and I’ll try not to overdo it. *smiles*

bubble bath

In Blurty on May 29, 2005 at 12:02 pm

I’m seriously fed up.. can’t take it anymore and I can’t fix myself everytime they try to break me.. got little energy left and no people to cheer for me as I run. Horraaaaaaaayyyy blah… when will this struggle ever end? or actually the question should be, will it ever end? Dracula is still alive and sucking away all the vital signs that I radiate and I’m fighting and fighting and regenerating myself each time I lose a limb and my head is spinning and my tears are rolling down my cheeks only to find out they were not salty liquid-like but rather crystal-like stones that have sharp edges..and they cut through my face and my blood drools and my mouth licks it away and I pretend nothing happened.. and I forget things coz maybe then they’d go away and I’d convince myself that they never happened for real.. then one day I realise in the darkness of my eyelids that they did happen and that I lost a big round chunck of my memory for the sake of …sanity

psycho+log

In Blurty on May 24, 2005 at 2:04 am

I’m not sure what to put down… currently reading a book on psychological warfare, very interesting stuff but the author’s language is so weak… it’s in Arabic and it’s no surprise the author’s language is like that since he’s in the army,or was.. dunno… this book was published back in 1975, and I found a copy of it in our library… and since I finished reading The Scarlet Letter and still haven’t bought another meal for the thought, I figured I’d take a look at this book…. if only the author’s language was better!

It’s amazing how one can control people by knowing how they think,and using that to channel their minds to whichever direction one wants. Fear is certainly a devastating power. Usage of black propaganda,aeral propaganda leaflets and various PSYOPS (psychological operations) can strongly weaken the morale of the enemy’s troops and even that of civilians. this achieved, the enemy will find little resistance and perhaps even no resistance at all should the people be deeply affected by the operations. The whole point of these operations is to make you question your own beliefs and your motives for defending your country or doing whatever it is that you are convinced is necessary that you do, once you question that, it is easy to beat u down. More and more leaflets will be dropped telling you not to resist and making you doubt your leaders’ intentions and abilities, telling you that these troops are here to protect you should you stay out of their business. This is how leaflets work.
Rumors and uncertain/misleading news also play a great role in PSYWARs. It’s amazing how little attention we pay these small things that could infact affect us a great deal.
I found a great site about PSYWARs and PSYOPS, it provides examples of these operations and even leaflets..which is awesome! This thing is big…real big : http://www.psywar.org/index.php

It makes me wonder how many people are aware of such things, I mean, I basically know so few people who know that such things exist… it’s so sad.. how are we supposed to survive without first knowing what’s going on in the world around us?

**The U.S. Department of Defense defines psychological warfare (PSYWAR) as:

“The planned use of propaganda and other psychological actions having the primary purpose of influencing the opinions, emotions, attitudes, and behavior of hostile foreign groups in such a way as to support the achievement of national objectives.”
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PSYWAR

Super Massive Black Hole

In Blurty on May 21, 2005 at 10:51 am

All times co-exist…The moments of your life already exist,and wait for you to step into them… All is predetermined…The past,the present,the future,and time itself…all are here at the same instant.

If we enter a super massive black hole and avoid singularity,we would come out on the other side and emerge into another realm perhaps…another place and time..it could be the past..or the future.. ours or those of other universes…

This is a very interesting page that I recommend you visit…

http://islam.speed-light.info/relativity_quran.htm

I should’ve been a vet

In Blurty on May 17, 2005 at 10:00 pm

3 finals gone & 3 still to go. I love the way I feel these days, I’m just numb and it is such an elevating feeling! Today I went with my family to our house in Karak. On our way there I saw strange things. To start with; there was a really shaggy village with mud houses right next to the desert road… it looked so dead and so forgotten. But as I wondered how these people lived there and how it must be like, I saw a white kite flying up in the sky above the mud houses and it made me so happy. I kept staring at the kite until it vanished.

30 minutes later, I was looking at some houses and I suddenly saw a white rabbit going right into the main entrance of one of the villas. At fist glance I thought I was imagining things but I looked real hard and it was a rabbit!!! It somehow reminded me of the rabbit and the magician in Sophie’s World… that part got me thinking.
Then my brothers invented a silly gig to entertain themselves. Everytime we pass a car by one of them would say “Excuse us” and they would start laughing. I still don’t get it… I think it’s the sun and the heat, it messed with their heads.

Then the road ended.
I had a great time. Tsuki-san was there too and he enjoyed it alot. Well then the “men” of the family decided to go hunting while I was napping. They returned with a wounded baby owl. My brother had shot her not knowing it was an owl so they brought her to me. It was only natural for me to want to fix her and keep her, so I took her home with me. We hit the road again: a 1984 Honda crowded with creatures. 4 grownups, 1 baby, 1 kitten,1 baby owl. It was extremely surreal and I couldn’t help but laugh. Who would’ve believed that?

So I got back home and the first thing I did was see what’s wrong with baby owl. When I took a close look to clean the wound I just cried I always cry when I see hurt creatures because I imagine the amount of pain they must be suffering from, having cried and all I cleaned her wound and did the necessary and wrapped it with a bandage etc. I had previously feared the bullet rested inside since there was no exit wound. But to my great delight I discovered there was no bullet inside the wound simply because she wasn’t that badly hurt. Apparently she was flying and spreading her wings when my brother shot her,this explains the wound being located UNDER the wing and the wing not being affected at all. Adding to that, the bullet didn’t actually penetrate her body it just shattered surface flesh and flew on. I thought I saw her bones showing through the wound,but later I found out it was just lightly colored and de-feathered skin. I felt so good.

This made me think… that maybe I do fit in heaven afterall.

Hopeful

In Blurty on May 14, 2005 at 8:53 pm

“I do not feel obliged to believe
that the same God who has endowed us
with sadness, reason and intellect
has intended us to forgo their use”

So all the stars
Will guide us on our way
The Sextant as a leader
Has duration for all days

Look at the amazing skies
In long and profund discoveries
With a strong and a clear mind he’s encrypting
More secrets of astronomy

In endless nights
He entirely observes the skies
His publications will change the world

Galileo Galilei

Only what my eyes will see, I will believe!
Day and night – seperated by the light

In Pisa he’s required
To teach the theory
That the stars and all the planets
Revolve around the earth
But he believed
In a different truth
The heliocentric one
Proposed by Kopernikus
A new age has begun

The stolen sun
Makes their fear rise
And man will sacrifice
The moon is the reason why

The amazing skies…

In endless nights..

And all the servants of the cross – they will deny
Will deny the starlight

In Pisa he’s required
To teach the theory
That the stars and all the planets
Revolve around the earth
But he believed
In a different truth
The heliocentric one
Proposed by Kopernikus
A new age has begun

Haggard – The Observer

August

In Blurty on May 14, 2005 at 12:39 pm

My brother got me a baby chameleon that he caught.. I named her “August”. I let her go too after a lovely photo-shoot. Now I’m drinking a blackish liquid,it is supposed to be fizzy but it no longer is, too old, in a tall plastic orange glass that smells like oregano.

Morose

In Blurty on May 10, 2005 at 11:57 am

Have you ever become your own enemy? The perfect negation of everything you have previously based your universal truths upon? Then you doubt who you are . Are you a saint or a sinner? who are you? you are your own worst nightmare. The opposite of what you once held as right and pure.

I am in such a turmoil of thought that I find no route that leads out.

My roots are calling

In Blurty on May 10, 2005 at 9:15 am

For a considerable period of time I was alienated from my mother tongue. Ever since I finished high school I did not touch an Arabic book,save for the two obligatory syntax-related ones at college. And even then the way in which the subjects were presented was not at all appealing. It makes me sad to see most of my peers unable to appreciate and enjoy the beauty and depth of the books in the Arabic library. I had been one of them for the past three years but now I finally sobered up and I am back on track.

The situation of the Arabic language is simply complicated. It is one of the richest languages and yet one of the most targeted. By whom? My theory is that when occupation came to our lands, colonists (The british in Jordan and Egypt,The french in Syria,Lebanon,Morocco,and Tunisia,The italians in Libya) decided the best way to alienate muslims from their religion is to attack the Holy Quran. Now burning Quran or just making it vanish was not an option since muslims would never allow that, so the bad guys figured : If Quran is the core of Islam, and it is a linguistic miracle ( and a miracle in other aspects as well), then what we could do is distant these muslims from the language of Quran, and then they won’t be able to understand it and Islam will be shattered.
They knew it would take a lot of time and sweat, but they did it. Making Arabs and Muslims live in the illusion of the “prestige” that foreign words and expressions hold did work. I do not mean to say that Arabic did not follow the typical course of linguistic evolution and change,like all other languages, thus promoting the various dialects and such. But I have no doubt this was emphasized by those bad guys. As a matter of fact, during the occupations of Arab lands many restrictions were made to prevent people from using Arabic and to force them to use the language of the dominant countries. This has worked, this is what we mean by Cultural Invasion.

If you walk down the street in Amman, you would probably hear so many people using English instead of Arabic. I just told why the case is so. The false prestige of foreign words got to us.It is difficult to try and tell some brain-washed people to use Arabic, they would dismiss the diea as if it was a bad joke.
Back to my argument now. So when Arabs forgot their language, they could no longer relate to what the Holy Quran says, they could no longer read Arabic books without the use of a dictionary, they could no longer write in proper Arabic and actually make sense. This is what’s happened to my language and it angers me so much, since I too played a part in doing that to it. I used to write stories in Arabic, I always loved the language and enjoyed it tremendously, where did that go? why did I choose to let it go?

To redeem myself, I began reading Arabic again. I read an amazing novel by Taha Hussein entitled “Do3a2 al karawan” which means ” The supplication of the stone curlew”. here’s a link to a site about the great author :http://www.sis.gov.eg/egyptinf/culture/html/thussein.htm

got hair?

In Blurty on May 8, 2005 at 11:25 am

Featured word : chatelaine

the mistress of a chateau or large country house

On another note, I went this past weekend and got my hair cut. It depressed me deeply as usual. I hate having my hair cut or damaged or anything of the sort. But the thing is, I needed to get it cut because I started resembling a prehistoric cave woman, literally. The pitfall was that the RETARDED hairdresser did NOT understand any of my instructions, I told her not to cut much and she really cut much more than I intended to lose! I wish I could inflect pain on her because she deserves it… She even made two of my new ear piercings fall, even though I was very clear and specific when I warned her that I got pierced recently. Does she understand Arabic? I doubt it! gggggrrrrrr….. note to self : Never cut your hair again!

I know I am weird when it gets to my hair. I’m obssessed with it. I always get depressed and cry when I cut it
. I even get family members to comb it after I shower and I adore it when it’s played with. I just purr like a cat,feels so good. It’s heaven!

I’m not weird concerning my hair only, I’m also weird when it comes to other people’s hair. Hair is the first thing I notice about a guy. I love long hair,on girls and guys. I just absolutely and totally fall for long hair, needless to say, when it’s well taken care of. My girls find it disgusting that I like guys with long hair, but honestly it’s such a turn on. I can’t speak when a good looking long haired guy passes by. It’s one of those mysteries of life and I don’t think I’ll grow out of it.

Enough of my nonesense, let’s join the party downstairs…

Daddy’s girl

In Blurty on May 3, 2005 at 9:13 am

My father happens to be one of the craziest drivers on earth. It’s not hat I’m being a typical complain-all daughter, it’s the truth. you can ask anyone who knows him and you will get the same answer… so if you’re not a speed/adrenaline rush craver, I strongly advise against going with dad for a spin in the car. But there’s a catch to it, and this is one of the very few times I will praise him, he is the best driver EVER. It’s amazing really to see how he drives, he does dangerous things but he does them right . I’ve known so many drivers as I’m sure you have too, but he is simply smashing.

It is essentially correct that I willingly put myself in the jaws of death everytime I get in the car with him , but then again, I am always at risk of dieing while showering… suppose I slip and bump the back of my head hard.. I am also at risk of dieing when I drink tap water, or when I cross the street… I might die while eating or drinking… I might have a panic attack like that time when I had one and fainted and there was nobody to help me because I was home alone.. I fell off the chair and woke up after some time not knowing where I am or what had happened, it was a scary experience… I might lose my life in so many ways that it seems not so trivial to ask the question :

WHY AM I STILL ALIVE?

poster at the mall

In Blurty on April 24, 2005 at 9:40 am

Boys are stupid…throw rocks at them.

Femicide/Female infanticide

In Blurty on April 20, 2005 at 3:57 am

**Femicide: The deliberate extermination of females.

Some people do not seem to understand why I am such an angry female. I do not tolerate much crap and I don’t think I ever will, females have been submissive way too long and now it’s revolution time. Females undergo enormous pressure from perverted male-dominated societies and this just has to stop. I personally never let a male decide for me,nobody thinks for me, and nobody messes with me. It’s not that I wish to be bluntly aggressive,but it’s logic. I am a human being as capable as you are of making my own decisions and living my life as I desire to, I have the gift of life given to me by Allah the same way he gave it to you. I have a soul,a mind, and a gorgeous body too! so why is it so difficult for some to see my potential,that which exists beyond my big eyes and bodily curves?

You know what I find so irritating? The fact that a good number of the people who will read this will consider me,or any female who preaches these thoughts, as being either “too sensitive” or “dominant”. It’s actually funny, because all I’m saying makes so much sense and it doesn’t qualify me for such descriptions. I have been stereotyped before, so be my guest and stereotype me again if you will. What bugs me the most is that women who are intelligent and who speak up their minds are considered “dangerous”, people tend to avoid them. But why? Don’t we have the right to claim what’s originally ours? Don’t we deserve to live as equals? Why is a woman with a brain as attractive as her body rejected? … Men fear us.

Why shouldn’t I be angry? Women are deprived of their most basic rights in so many places of the world, they are abused because they do not possess the same physical strength as men. Many of them suffer because they look the way every other female does. Some were hunted down after being accused of practicing witchcraft. Many die in my country if suspected of having any sort of relationship with a male, the killers – being almost always the father or the brother- are released after a brief imprisonment. My society promotes Femicide to wash the families’ shame away and clear their reputations afresh. My society promotes numerous scandalous descriminative behaviours against women.
When will this ever end?

“Female infanticide is the intentional killing of baby girls due to the preference for male babies and from the low value associated with the birth of females.” (Marina Porras, “Female Infanticide and Foeticide”.)

Please refer to this link for further learning : http://www.gendercide.org/case_infanticide.html

Chinese Cultural Studies:
Tom Hilditch
A Holocaust of Little Girls

——————————————————————————–

from the South China Morning Post (Hong Kong), repr. in World Press Review, September 1995, p. 39

Mei-ming has lain this way for 10 days now: tied up in urine-soaked blankets, scabs of dried mucus growing across her eyes, her face shrinking to a skull, malnutrition slowly shrivelling her two-year old body. The orphanage staff call her room the “dying room”, and they have abandoned here for the very same reasons her parents abandoned her shortly after she was born. She is a girl.

When Mei-ming dies four days later, it will be of sheer neglect. Afterward, the orphanage will deny she ever existed. She will be just another invisible victim of the collision between China’s one-child policy and its traditional preference for male heirs. She is one of perhaps 15 million female babies who have disappeared from China’s demographics since the one-child-per-family policy was introduced in 1979.

Yet Mei-ming’s brief and miserable life may not have been in vain. Before she died, she was discovered by a British documentary team that entered her orphanage posing as American charity fund-raisers. The footage the team shot, through a concealed camera, would provide the first video evidence of the existence of dying rooms. And when the documentary, The Dying Rooms, was shown in Britain in June, over the protest of China’s embassy in London, little Mei- ming’s dying cries for help were heard around the world.

Two years ago, the South China Morning Post gave the world evidence of dying rooms at Nanning orphanage, in the Guangxi autonomous region. Staff and regular visitors freely admitted that 90 percent of the 50 to 60 baby girls who arrived at the orphanage each month would end their lives there. Nanning orhanage was then overhauled, and the dying rooms there ceased to exist. Sadly, though, the British team’s harrowing report suggests that attitudes toward baby girls so prevalent at Nanning two years ago are rife elsewhere.

The birth of a girl has never been a cause for celebration in China, and stories of peasant farmers drowning new born girls in buckets of water have been commonplace for centuries. Now, however, as a direct result of the one-child policy, the number of baby girls being abandoned, aborted, or dumped on or- phanage steps is unprecedented.

It is impossible to overstate both how crucial the one-child policy is to China’s stability and how rigidly it is enforced. Everyone agrees that if the population, already at 1.2 billion, is allowed to grow, the result will be economic collapse, environmental ruin, famine.

But while most Chinese citizens can accept the mathematics of the problem, the population continues to rise. Every year, some 21 million children are born. In March, President Jiang Zemin was forced to set new, tougher population-control policies and tougher punishments for those who ignore them.

According to author Steven W. Mosher, coerced abortions, sometimes just days before the baby is due, are now commonplace, as are reports of enforced sterilization and of hospitals fatally injecting second babies shortly after their birth. This means, Mosher says, that “however overcrowded China’s orphanages are now with baby girls, the problem is going to get worse. Very much worse.”

For Kate Blewett, producer of The Dying Rooms, the investigation was a journey into the heart of darkness: “I did not know human beings could treat children with such contempt, such cruelty. Some of the orphanages we visited were little more than death camps.”

To proect those who helped the team gain access to orphanages and whom Blewett interviewed, the documentary does not riamc any of the orphanages In one, a dozen or so baby girls sit on bamboo benches in the middle of a courtyard. Their wrists and ankles are tied to the armrests and legs of the bench. A row of plastic buckets is lined up beneath holes in their seats to catch their urine and excrement. The children will not be moved again until night, when they will be lifted out and tied to their beds.

“They had no stimulation, nothing to play with, no one to touch them,” says Blewett. In one scene, a handicapped older boy walks up to one of the girls tied to a bench and begins head-butting her relentlessly. The girl doesn’t move or make a sound. Such is the lack of stimulation for the children that few of them will ever learn to speak. An endless rocking is the only exercise, the only stimulation, the only pleasure in their lives.

An official of the orphanage tells Blewett that last year, the orphanage had some 400 inmates. They were kept five to a bed in one airless room. The summer temperatures soared to around 100 degrees. In a couple of weeks, 20 percent of the babies died. “If 80 children died last summer, there should be 320 left,” Blewett says to one of the assistants, “but there don’t appear to be more than a couple of dozen children here. Where are the others?” The girl replies; “They disappear. If I ask where they go, I am just told they die. That’s all. I am afraid to ask any more.”

Brutal neglect is the common theme of many of the orphanage scenes. In one sequence, a lame child sits on a bench near the orphanage pharmacy. It is full of medicines, but none of the staff can be bothered to administer them. The child rocks listlessly back and forth. The camera focuses on her vacant face, trails down her skinny body, and settles on her leg. It is swollen with gangrene. The worst orphanage, the home of Mei-ming, was in Guangdong, one of the richest provinces in China. When the documentary team arrived, there were no children to be seen or heard. Then from under one of the blankets laid over a cot. there was the sound of crying. Lifting the blanket and unwrapping a tied bundle of cloth, Blewett found a baby girl. The last layer of her swaddling was a plastic bag filled with urine and feces. The next cot was the same, and the next and the next. Many of the children had deep lesions where the string they were tied with had cut into their bodies. One child, described by staff as “normal,” was suffering from vitamin B and C deficiencies, acute liver failure, and severe impetigo on her scalp. All the non-handicapped children were girls.

The Chinese government was approached several times, both in Beijing and at its London embassy, to provide comment or an interview for the film. Eventually, the documentary’s producers received a two-page letter from the London embassy.

“The so-called dying rooms do not exist in China at all,” the letter read. “Our investigations confirm that those reports are vicious fabrications made out of ulterior motives. The contemptible lie about China’s welfare work in orphanages cannot but arouse the indignation of the Chinese people, especially the great number of social workers who are working hard for children’s welfare.”

The day after the program was shown, questions were raised in the House of Commons about China’s one-child policy and its dying rooms. Predictably, however, no one has raised the subject of providing massive aid for a collapsed and famine-ridden China in the event of its population rising to, say, 2.4 billion if this generation is allowed to have two children per family.

“We don’t want to criticize the one-child policy,” says Blewett. “But we want to focus on the problems it is causing which can be solved.” The documentary features a tour of a privately run, locally funded orphanage where the children are happy, healthy, and loved. “We were very keen to show what can be done with the right attitude,” says Blewett. “No child should suffer the kind of neglect we filmed.”

Link to this page:http://acc6.its.brooklyn.cuny.edu/~phalsall/texts/c-wnhol.html

Over

In Blurty on April 12, 2005 at 12:16 pm

I am mentally over stimulated. My brains are literally fried. I do sound like an ass now but I really don’t give a damn,I’m just tired of it all.

on another, more cheerful, note.. I have a Princess at home. Princess is my adult chameleon pet, she’s amazing and I lover her so much. Her royal highness eats flies n crickets n all sorts of insects that I hate and can’t bear to look at even. It’s insane, I am more compatible with her than with most guys I know. .. The irony.

I admit that oftentimes, I like animals more than people. If this be a trial then I also confess that I hate people who cross the street without looking .

tippytoe

In Blurty on April 5, 2005 at 10:33 am

I discovered something absolutely delicious about myself. I climb the stairs on my tiptoes. Always.

Tsuki-san

In Blurty on March 30, 2005 at 11:13 am

Yamada-San is now known as Tsuki-San, which means Mr.Moon. I think this is a really cute name!

Today he opened his eyes for the first time, he looks so different …Another milestone. I am a proud momcat!

access denied

In Blurty on March 28, 2005 at 10:04 am

I’m not sure what I am feeling right now. I am angry, sad, and depressed… somewhat on the cynical side as well. I am living in a turmoil of thought. Do you ever get the feeling that you don’t know yourself? Do you ever fail to explain why you did certain things and hurt certain people? I don’t know what’s gotten into me, I hurt so many people, especially last year. Just now I read somethings from a person who’s very close to me and dear to my heart, and I discovered that I was very cruel. I am very cruel.

retro

In Blurty on March 28, 2005 at 9:47 am

I blogged this yesterday but I couldn’t upload it, so here goes.

Good morning you…

3 days ago my brother rescued a newborn kitten from the gutter and brought him home.. I am again a Mother! This baby is so young that his umbilical cord was still attached to his tummy! needless to say, his eyes are still shut. So now I take care of him, I feed him and I keep him warm using water bottles… I clean him and I even help him urinate ,etc. His body is too weak to actually do that, he needs help.

He woke me up this morning at 3 a.m, and I fed him and heated some water to change his bottle. oh and his cord fell! yippeeee.. I was so happy. It was a milestone.

Some people can’t relate to what I am saying, they can’t imagine why I am so thrilled about Yamada-San. I forgive them and invite them to be tender with animals. All animals are like babies, they are helpless.
As you might have noticed, the name is Yamada-San. I chose a japanese name for him, it means : Mr.Yamada. I think it’s super cute! he’s blonde though and he doesn’t look the least bit japanese. oh well…cultural exchange.

I’m taking driving lessons and I think I made my instructor angry yesterday. I don’t regret it though because he always makes me angry with his comments. Sometimes he just says things to piss me off and I don’t answer back out of respect, but yesterday I didn’t care. He asked me to do a turn with the car,something that requires going back using reverse gear and I did it. When he got in the car again he told me he didn’t like it, I personally thought it rocked. So I ignored his comment. Then he repeated it, so I told him ” I found it to be perfect,and nothing went wrong, I did it beautifully and I’m not convinced with what you’re saying”…So he started talking about it again saying it wasn’t good, and I SWEAR it was so good that I amazed myself. so I told him ” you know something, you might not agree with me on this, but I thought it was perfect. So whatever you say now will not affect me and I will not be convinced by it. So you and my brother in the back can talk all you want about it, I liked it and I will not listen to you two.” He got angry,naturally. But he’ll survive.

I had another translation job last week,and they gave me two days to complete it and hand it in. I was under so much pressure since I had an exam as well. After I translated it, I gave it to someone to type it and save it for me on 2 NEW disks. So i got home from school and it turned out that this person didn’t save it on disks but rather printed it out. I was helpless, and I was already 2 hours late in sending it via email. so I cracked. I cried.
Then my sister and her husband took me and we went somewhere to type it in, It was sent at 8 p.m. God, that was an AMAZING RELIEF!

In Blurty on March 19, 2005 at 1:54 am

So I’m a Blogger… I printed my blog the other day. It will make a nice collection for future generations I believe, if not then a useful addition to my so-far-3 diaries. The fourth is on the way. It’s worth noting though that after I die I want my third diary,the one I’m filling up now, to be burnt. I don’t want to share what’s written in it with anyone else, I write in it exclusively for myself. It’s dangerous.

I need to write things down, or I’ll forget the major part of them. Every detail is important, every bit counts. My emotions, impressions, development or decline of thought, varied tastes, rapid rebellions, tactful or tactless strategies, all should be recorded. Record it I do.

Kaboom Kaboom

In Blurty on March 19, 2005 at 1:03 am

“I’d like to love you but my heart is a sore”

-Marilyn Manson

I like Manson. I like many of his songs,the music is just revolutionary! I wish I could meet his makeup artists, they are simply amazing. The work they do is outstanding. Manson is so different,he’s twisted, he’s the darker side of us all and he’s out in the light. I think this is one of the major reasons why the majority of people don’t even approve of him. He represents their scariest thoughts, he exposes their most intimate & darkest fantasies and he pays no attention to common laws. We all desire that, but we can’t have it,therefore we disapprove of anyone who dares to break the rule.

I adore people who dare to be different,and Manson certainly is a good example of how different one can be. He’s bold. I admire that. That’s not why I like his music though, I honestly enjoy it.

“I’ll step on you on my way up, I’ll step on you on my way down” – Better of two evils

I can relate to many of his songs, they radiate anger and rebellion. Plus I quote him. Call me twisted if you will, I’d still like him and his music all the same. You should give it a try.

” I’m not ashamed,you’re entertained. But I’m not a puppet,I am a grenade. ” – Vodevil

Protect seals

In Blurty on March 17, 2005 at 10:13 am

The Canadian seal hunt is the largest commercial slaughter of marine mammals on the planet. This was true even before the Canadian government announced that it would allow fishermen to kill 975,000 harp seals off Newfoundland and Labrador between 2003 and 2006. Despite scientific evidence that such a high quota is unsustainable, the government claims the hunt will not harm seal populations. To make matters worse, it’s doubtful that the Canadian government will even enforce the quota should sealers exceed it. After all, officials have turned a blind eye when sealers have exceeded quotas in the past.
The hunt targets very young seals. The Canadian government’s own figures show that 96.6% of the reported 286,238 seals killed during the 2002–2003 hunt were between 12 days to 12 weeks old. These seals were most likely beaten to death with a club or a large ice-pick-like hakapik. Later in the season, hunters use rifles.

An alarming number of the seals are skinned while alive and responsive to pain. Recently, an independent, international team of veterinarians observed the hunt and examined the corpses of skinned seals. They found evidence that up to 40% of them had skull injuries that were not sufficient to have caused death.

Many Canadians—as well as citizens of other nations—are appalled by the brutality and unsustainability of this pointless hunt. And they don’t believe the claims by the Canadian government that the hunt is necessary to protect the region’s crashing fish populations, which have been devastated by many years of industrial fishing. These people want the Canadian government to stop not only promoting the hunt, but also helping out the seal fur, meat, and oil industries.

The 2003–2004 hunt was met with massive protest. It wasn’t only the number of seals killed—the current, incomplete, count is 321,199—but also the rampant brutality exhibited even while sealers knew observers were both watching and videotaping. The video footage and still photographs were seen around the world, hardening opposition to the hunt. Politicians in the United States, the United Kingdom, and other nations have joined citizens in pressuring Canada to do the decent thing and end this barbaric and wasteful hunt.

………………………. Article taken from the website of The Humane Society of the United States :
http://www.hsus.org/marine_mammals/protect_seals/

Holes

In Blurty on March 17, 2005 at 6:46 am

Hail!

I credit myself for not being an extremist. I got 6 new ear piercings yesterday!! 3 along each ear,starting from the upper cartilage rim (helix stud) and evenly distributed along the curve of the rim reaching my original hole. They are awesome! absolutely fantastic!

The story:
2 weeks ago I had no intention of adding any new holes to my body. Just when I thought I’m safe of any craziness, I got this idea. I wanted to decorate my ears with jewels. I talked to my friend about it, she mentioned something about wanting to get another ear piercing. So we decided we should do it together.
Yesterday I just said : Let’s do it! so we went to a pharmacy, I took my veil off, and we did the necessary measurements and well, I didn’t blink.
I think I was in a special state of mind, I didn’t really think. I was drunk somehow. Having pierced the right ear first, I took a break. We did the necessary measurements for the left ear,and we did it. This hurt though, I’m guessing because I got bored or perhaps I realised by then that I am inserting needles in my ears. There was no turning back, and it had to be done.
My ears turned red, and they hurt. But I managed. I couldn’t even sleep on my sides last night lest I put them under pressure, needless to say, I really couldn’t do that because of the pain. It was a terrible night but I suffered in joy.

I love my ears but my ears hate me. They really do, but I believe they’ll get over it. I’m taking good care of them. They look amazingly BEAUTIFUL! I didn’t tell my parents about this project of mine, because I already know what they’ll say. My mother discovered my new ear decorations today,and it was too late. I think she finds them pretty, because she didn’t comment on their being otherwise. I love them!
My nostril piercing is healing wonderfully, I take care of it. It’s so nice. I really love my piercings. I’d love to get a tongue ring someday,but I have a feeling it will never really happen.

Enough of the technicalities,I am happy.

On another note,someone told me that my blog shows that I feel I’m superior to others. I instantly denied it. It made me think though, do I feel that I’m superior? Isn’t that just another introduction to racism for example? I think I am different,and that I think in my own way, but what happens next? Is feeling superior a natural result for this method of thought? I’m not sure.
I know I treat people nicely, but this naturally doesn’t mean I like them. It doesn’t mean I think everyone is worthy of my companionship,and this doesn’t mean that I think I am necessarily better than they are. I admit I am self-centered at times… but hey, aren’t we all? show me your saint, I’ll show you your biggest sin.

power to the people

In Blurty on March 10, 2005 at 1:40 am

This is a day to remember. I had my first semi-strike and I am proud of it. I was already angry and sad,sitting in the languages center as I was, and there came a man yelling at all of the students including myself to leave the building! It was raining cats and dogs and I wasn’t in the mood for a shower, so I simply told him that I will not move.

All the other students moved silently outside. I stuck to my place on the ground. The man threatened to throw water at me,and he yelled at me. I told him to speak politely to me and not to yell . He didn’t listen so I remained where I was. I couldn’t feel anything. I was too sad to care for what might happen, and I knew I was standing up for myself and speaking up. I was defending my right and I do not allow anyone to yell at me.

The man grew more angry, and I grew calmer because I knew I was getting on his nerves with my attitude. I told him that if he doesn’t speak to me politely I will not understand what he says. He then called two other men. I was alone on the ground and no other student existed in the building,only my friends who stood nearby but didn’t dare to join me. The men started talking to me,but he kept yelling.I grew more determined. He threatened to call security, I told him that I don’t mind it. They can’t touch me,and if they do they will be in big trouble. Then I told him I would go to the dean if he wants, because I don’t care. He noticed how determined I was so he cooled down a little, and used a lower tone. I made him listen at the end, and he talked politely. I proved my point and I left the building,only to return 15 minutes later and sit exactly where I was sitting previously. I am proud of myself.

It may not sound as much, but to me it is. People don’t speak up. They let others violate their rights and silently approve of it, I don’t. I taught that man how to respect me, and he learned his lesson. From now on, he will think twice before yelling at people like that.

Everybody was staring at me. It was so strange that a girl should “resist” like that. I reject being stereotyped, I reject being bossed around, and I reject giving in. It scares people that I say such things and think such thoughts, but if they were to understand what I’m about, they will change their minds. Speak up before it’s too late!

cold hands

In Blurty on March 6, 2005 at 10:05 am

It seems awfully long since I last registered anything for the benefit of my anonymous readership, if such readership indeed existed. I have had to survive a demanding life style recently, and I love it. The new semester has commenced, and I am -as habitual of me- overloaded.
So much to do, so much to learn, so much to read, and very little time to get anything done. I am overwhelmed with how much needs to be done, but I must confess that I do like this state. It gives me a feeling of fulfillment, even if I think that I don’t achieve much. It radiates of security, strange? Not at all. I am safe when I am busy. At least that’s how I like to comfort myself.

In any case, much has been happening. Bear in mind though, that my online blog is by no means my diary. I keep a separate diary in which I record my most intimate thoughts, my very caprices, and my beloved memories. I have gone through half of my third diary, yet I feel like there was and is so much that I forget to record. I have a bizarre memory, it’s very selective. On what basis does it select its occupants, I know not. I seem to have an excellent memory of certain things, which could be classified as insignificant. Ah, I have prolonged my talk of my diary and memory. Let’s cut to the chase now:
I am enjoying my days as best as I could. I am adjusting with the novel pressure that my choice of subjects has thrown over my shoulder. I think I’m doing alright. I got my first semi-job last week. It was a thrilling experience. I loved the challenge, as I always do. I was a consecutive interpreter during a workshop on contemporary issues in trademarks. That means I had to orally translate from Arabic to English and vice versa for a whole day, on a severely complicated subject. I had to read a lot about it, as I am no lawyer or specialist in that particular field. I managed extremely well, and I am so proud of myself.
My father, however, behaved quite oddly before that day. I think he even tried to put me down, and to make me quit before I even started. Some sort of psychological intimidation if you want, with the sole purpose of scaring me away from that very first step towards what could be a start of my career. I was profoundly hurt. But equally determined to excel, I just love a challenge. What I am proudest of is the fact that I did not let myself down, I did it, and I mastered it. I have a renewed faith in my capabilities and I hope it never dies.

I am learning the Japanese language, and I am always curious about the culture. I believe it is vital to learn the ways of other people, since it gives way to new horizons of thought. One should never limit one’s self within one world. One should never fear the other.
It’s amazing how the Japanese culture differs from mine. It is such an enriching adventure to go deeper into the details. It just reveals so much! I appreciate my own culture more than ever and I respect it thoroughly, for now I have a clearer understanding of it.
What’s also worth noting is that I will be on kids TV in the USA. Hahaha isn’t that funny? The thing is that Jude’s school loved what I sent her about Flat Stanley and Flat Ali so much that they will actually put it on TV! I had invented Flat Ali, so that he could take Stanley on a tour. They loved the idea and the pictures! And I am technically in every single picture. Lovely, eh?
It’s always good to be appreciated. What counts more here is that I made Jude’s little heart happy.
I finished reading the odyssey. I read a play for Wilde afterwards. He is such a witty person, very thorough, precise in what he means, and an expert of word play. Absolutely fabulous! Here are quotations from that play, “A woman of no importance”:
- “Lord Illingworth: “I never intend to grow old. The soul is born old but grows young. That is the comedy of life.
Mrs.Allonby: and the body is born young but grows old. That is life’s tragedy. “
- “Mrs.Allonby: All men are married women’s property. That is the only true definition of what married women’s property really is. But we don’t belong to anyone.”
- “Lord Illingworth: one can survive everything now-a-days, except death, and live down anything except a good reputation.”

I want to write about numerous things… hundreds of sentiments. I have plenty of thoughts just swimming around in my mind, what’s tantalizing is that they expose themselves to me when I have no means of jotting them down. And when such means becomes handy, they either evaporate or hide somewhere. Hide and seek is good practice, I have learned.
I wonder what my future has in store for me. My age is one that, when asked about it, does not make me lie or stutter. Still, I question myself everyday if I had sincerely lived those 20 years. What have I done? What will I do? I assuredly pray that the answer to the latter beats the answer to the former.

Sore

In Blurty on February 19, 2005 at 12:05 pm

It shocks me how so many things that I believed were true,pillars upon which I built my faith, have been wrecked and made into powder for me to quench my thirst with.
What I mean to say is that this world we live in, this age that seems to proceed with madness and havoc, have taken away many of my core principles. I’m guessing many other people’s as well.

Everyday I find out that I’m such a different person from what I had perviously thought myself to be. Perhaps I’m ever-changing. Perhaps I don’t really know who I am. Does anyone “really” know who he/she is? Every minute we are faced with new situations,novel problems,critical decision-requiring moments. The way we handle these reveals,I believe, what we are made of. Sometimes it’s not even clear why we might prefer one course of action to another,why we do something and never dare to do another.

They killed a great man. Al-Hariri wasn’t just anybody. He was a river of generosity and wisdom. I salute his soul whereever it may be. Blessed be the faithful and the patriotic! May his shattered flesh embrace his winged spirit and rest in peace.

Back to rock the world

In Blurty on February 17, 2005 at 11:53 am

Hear that sound? Tololy is BACK, better, stronger, and wilder than ever.

so what have I been up to lately? I had my finals after a crazy semester during which I did some KILLER CRAZY things, I just unleashed myself. But reflecting on that now, I think there were certain things that I shouldn’t have done.. but I did them anyway and there’s no going back, so cheerio I love myself. No regrets baby. never.

my finals were : loooooonnnngggg… I lost 4 kgs coz when I get so much into something I actually forget to eat or don’t feel like it, and I was so absorbed in trying to achieve my goal that I totally let myself go. My goal was to get 6 straight A’s and then kick someone’s ass, and I was true to myself and I did it. YEAH I got 6 A’s!!!! I’m so proud of myself coz I worked hard to get those babies and I got my GPA as high as it was before that airhead jerko Waleed 3attari messed with it unjustly. Waleed hun, vai al diavolo! I proved to YOU and to EVERYONE that u r just crap run over twice. u don’t run my life, and u can’t make me flinch. u stupidity only made me stronger, and I shall waste the likes of your sorry ass till the day i die. Amen.

I received Flat Stanely from my niece, Jude… during my finals, and I actually went to Karak and the Dead Sea and took him on a tour and showed him around DURING my finals. I’m nuts. I also created a friend for him, Flat Ali. hehehehe it was so thrilling for me to know that Jude picked me to receive her Stanely so I was determined to make her little heart so happy when she gets him back. After the tour I had 2 exams waiting for me, one of them was Translation ( Italian – English ) but It was piss. Even though everybody was literally staring at me and whispering things when I handed my paper, that’s coz I handed it 40 minutes after I had started writing. Always the first to hand in an exam paper. But seriously now,the exam wasn’t half as hard as I had expected it to be thanks to our professor’s scary speeches. And still,they stayed in there forever. It’s strange.

www.flatstanely.com <<<<<<<<< Flat Stanely’s webpage.

After the finals I just wanted to kick back and relax, and gain some color in my face. My off days were swell. I went to Aqaba and it was brilliant! it was snowing and raining here in Amman but down there it was absolutely awesome! I showed Stanely around and got ready to send him back to Michigan. When the pictures were ready I sent him off via DHL coz let’s face it, together now we say : Snail Mail kills. My sis sent us the “original” Flat Stanely and it never got here. I just couldn’t risk bumming Jude on March 1st.!!!

I went out shopping bla bla went out with friends, had a good time and a good laugh. Then I went book shopping YIPPEEEEEEE! I just LOVE books. I love book shopping, it so tempts me. It’s my sin. I lose myself when I step into a book shop, It seems as though I have this thirst that my eyes and fingers desire to quench by examining every book within reach and lusting over it.

I’m reading The Odyssey now, I can’t wait till I finish it so that I can move on. I don’t like reading two books simultaneously, I feel like I don’t give each its proper right of reading rituals. I bought “A woman of no importance” by Wilde, and ” Dracula” by Bram Stoker. This is the real deal.

Untitled

In Blurty on February 7, 2005 at 1:41 am

It’s been forever since I last blurted something… hmmm… not much happening I’m just not in the mood to write something and go all “deep” and “sophisticated”…

Untitled

In Blurty on February 7, 2005 at 1:31 am

I got my nose pierced ..Jan 7th… I didn’t ask for my parents’ permission and I ignored everything everyone told me ..Nobody supported my decision.. not even my sisters or friends. I was on my own. and I did it.

I’m totally loving my new sparkly objects! loving the third hole in my nostril and loving myself for having the guts to do something I wanted to do, and ignore EVERYONE.

suppressed cries

In Blurty on January 23, 2005 at 11:56 am

Death awaits, and drools. Death is a predator, and it will hunt you all! I regret that and I choose to ignore it yet I can’t cover the sun with my thumb for long. It will eat me,too.

It’s a shame I have to leave this earth without accomplishing much. It’s a shame I have to leave it without seeing most of what it has to offer. I’m sorry,Earth. It’s a lonesome place down in the grave. It’s lonesome,dark, and limited. I hate to be limited. I will hate my grave. But I will entertain the thought that it’s the hands of my mother holding me close, and I will see my mother and she will be combing my hair. Oh precious tears! Do flow for you are not captives anymore!

I have a millennium of cries trapped in my chest. They tear me from the inside and slash my throat at ease. My cries nourish the flames,and the ocean, and they accelerate…

My Elixir

In Blurty on January 23, 2005 at 1:05 am

And then he approached the crimson windows and looked out to the ornamental universe that lay dressed in green and blue. An obscure pattern of tyrannical grace and chaos fused in one body.

He tries to argue with the voices in his head but to no avail. They don’t talk to him, they talk to each other. Oh beautiful, beautiful universe! Deliver his mind from its capturers! Oh deliver it from the pangs of pain! Deliver it from its haunting obsessions!

Out there, in the wide universe, I see my Angel in white calling for me. Yes, I see her still. There she is, standing by that patch of green; with her arms wide open as if they await to embrace my shattered shell! I see dozens of black birds floating in the air over her head. Diabolical contrast! Go away you wicked beings! Let my Angel be!

The sweet sensation of the carving of my virgin skin. The engaging appeal of the sounds of sliced bloody flesh. Black birds! You shan’t have my Angel! My blood flows like a river of glittering pearls. My life juices run between my cut fingers and hurry down to kiss the red floor. I kiss you, my elixir.

Accomplished

In Blurty on January 12, 2005 at 12:05 pm

wow!

The deformed among us

In Blurty on January 5, 2005 at 12:55 pm

I am crying now, even though I’m in a public place. Some people are not worthy of being called Human. They are not even animals. They are deformed spirits, they are ugly, cruel, and NOTHINGS. I hate them, I hate them so much!
I have just visited a horrible site that should be shut down, the deformed behind it should be all punished,they should be tortured in public,they should be put in glass jars like they put the harmless kittens and cats. I hate them so much. Oh, god this is unutterable! I can’t take this. They should be fed with a tube like they feed the poor helpless souls, I am sorry I saw that. I am sorry they are called human. If being human had any hint close to what they are, I renounce being human. I don’t want to belong to a species that does those unspeakable acts to creatures.

I can almost feel like that trapped kitten, I swear I can. It’s slow death, and those deformed who watch and buy such “living ornaments” are wicked. They are wretched fiends! Demons…Monsters! I foreswear them ..I HATE THEM!

How could they do that? I really can’t understand and I will NEVER begin to imagine how these deformed treat the incapacitated creatures in that SICK way! I supplicate God for a sudden withdrawal of pain from their tiny bodies as they are pushed into the jars, I pray that they are spared the misery and torment.

The Mighty King will punish them, God will anathemize them. His penalty will be swift and decisive,and they will dwell in infernal torment and eternal damnation. I condemn them, I curse them, I beshrew them all. I invoke the Angels of heaven,and those of the Darkest Hell, I invoke Satan and his offspring to haunt them! I damn them!

May they find no rest as long as their subjects are in pain, May all the wretchedness of the world fall upon their deformed heads, May every sinful disease find its way into their bodies and devour them alive, May they burn endlessly in the arms of Hell.

Yes,another entry.

In Blurty on January 2, 2005 at 3:41 am

Everyone *knows* cats are on a higher level of existence. These silly humans are just to big-headed to admit their inferiority.
Just think what a nicer world this would be if it were controlled by cats.
You wouldn’t see cats having waste disposal problems.
They’re neat.
They don’t have sexual hangups. A cat gets horny, it does something about it.
They keep reasonable hours. You *never* see a cat up before noon.
They know how to relax. Ever heard of a cat with an ulcer?
What are the chances of a cat starting a nuclear war? Pretty neglible. It’s not that they can’t, they just know that there are much better things to do with ones time. Like lie in the sun and sleep. Or go exploring the world.

Past

In Blurty on December 30, 2004 at 3:18 am

Lessons acquired during 2004 :

1- There is a purpose and a lesson behind every event that happens. And this lesson will be evident sooner or later.
2- I can learn from everyone. Every person has something to offer, and I will take care to benefit from that. It doesn’t matter “what” people think as long as I can learn from them, their virtues and their vices. Everybody I meet adds something to me.
3- There is no such thing as regret. Regrets can happen only when I let them happen.
4- Never take anything for granted. Every thought and fact has to be studied,pondered upon,and investigated afresh before I believe it.
5- There exist amazing people in Jordan,and I only have to look for them and be with them.
6- The skill of debating is a ture power. I am acquiring it, slowly but surely.
7- I have a piece of everything in life instilled within me. It is up to me to make use of this gift.
8- I will not let my limiting circumstances cage me. I will not be controlled by them or by the people who create them, and this is exactly how I win.
9- I should not expect people to “give” me much. or anything at all. I will learn from them yes,but they are by no means obliged to support me or give me anything morally.

Ink drops on a pink curtain

In Blurty on December 26, 2004 at 11:43 am

I have nothing to say to you, not tonight. I am tired..I am sad.. and I don’t believe in you, I don’t believe in the world. My only faith lies in myself. I shall not be stung again by life. Oh, I probably will. But I will not be as fragile,I hope.

Sun sign

In Blurty on December 14, 2004 at 3:19 am

Many (I refrain from using Most) people find it a silly and very uneducated “trend” to read one’s horoscope and actually believe in it. I have a unique horoscope book, it’s old and torn around the edges. It has the most beautiful astronomical drawings and celestial bodies calligraphed on the cover. I use this verb,calligraphed,because these representations seem to me completely novel and more lively every time I look at them. Exactly like excellent penmanship, they never cease to astound me. Much like its contents, this book is a treasure, not only for the occult words its pages hold , but also for its distinct style and directing.
I think I got carried away in the course of describing my star book…

** 1 celestial, heavenly
of or relating to the sky; “celestial map”; “a heavenly body”

2 celestial, heavenly
relating to or inhabiting a divine heaven; “celestial beings”; “heavenly hosts”

3 celestial, ethereal, supernal
of heaven or the spirit; “celestial peace”; “ethereal melodies”; “the supernal happiness of a quiet death”

This is what my horoscope for today reads:

Partnership is emphasized in a dramatic manner. You can feel it closing in and want to embrace it as deeply as you want to stay independent. Your comments about commitment will come back to haunt you this afternoon.
..

It amazes me so how true it sounds, and how genuinely it depicts the way I feel. Speaking of one other level of thought, I have such a sad recollection of last night.

Per minute

In Blurty on December 12, 2004 at 1:06 am

One more thing….My heart beats 93 times per minute, I had a test for that today. My sister’s heart goes for a 100 beats, my mother’s for around 80. 93 93 93 93 93 93 93 93 93 93 93… my lucky number? or no… my unlucky number because when my heart ceases to beat those 93 bangs will disappear.

An error occured

In Blurty on December 11, 2004 at 10:58 am

tololy not found!
…………………..

I have just encountered this error message.Does it have any metaphysical implications? Does it foreshadow my annihilation? I have always had a clear belief that I will die young.

migrate cookies

In Blurty on November 30, 2004 at 4:07 am

perhaps i am caged for real. i think i am emotionally “vacant”. maybe im looking for a utopian figure that exists only in my head, maybe im only asking for what i deserve. either way there seems to be a shortage of individuals who meet my criteria. i wonder what is wrong with the world,or with me.

no, there’s nothing wrong with me. i only demand what is rightfully mine and i wont take less. why should i? the world,on the other hand, thinks in a different way. the ways of the world tell me to accept what i am given,or what comes across my way. and settle for it. i never liked that, and i dont think i ever will. therefore i think i will be lonely for many more years (days?) to come. pretty much the same way i am now.

i sound arrogant dont i? and obstinate… i wont negate that. i dont know how i would sound to someone reading this entry in specific, i cant be two people at the same time. judge me if u will, i couldnt care less. it only serves to show how superficial u r. u could be right though. im not here to prove u wrong, im here to tell u and whoever is like u to sod off and say whatever coz im not listening. i stopped listening to u a long time ago,Dracula.

Timer mess

In Blurty on November 23, 2004 at 3:08 am

Travelling through time is an impossibility, we all can recognise parts of that statement as eternal truth. Unless we’re talking in a more abstract sense of the word, as in say, you “feel” you’re living in Athens once you read a book about greek history or art, or if you go visit some touristic spot such as heritage village and you can grasp simple airs of how it was like to exist in such a frame of life… these are only two possibilities,naturally… there exist many more of how you can sense yourself in some other space that belongs to another time, be it the future of the past..sometimes even the present.

The reason why I’m busying myself with this particular idea is so simple. Why it was born could even sound ridiculous and trivial. Whenever I blog at home, the date of my entry is automatically recorded in the year 2008. I don’t know why that happens, something must be going wrong in my PC timer or clock or whatever name it goes by. But what is yet more fascinating is the fact that I can actually blog the future NOW, i.e in the present. It’s an option. and it’s doable. Even though it wuld definitely be exposed to whoever reads my blog * not many readers i guess* .

Which brings to mind a question … If I blog now, let’s say an event such as my getting a foot massage in the afternoon of Sep. 14th,2009, and wait till that day arrives,and then I really get a foot massage in that exact day ..what would my feelings be like? what would i think? would I have pierced through a veil between reality and futurity? or would it just be a mere coincidence? or better yet, could it mean that I -subconsciously-
can steer the events of my life beforehand in whichever way I wish?

Isn’t that such an empowering thought? To believe that I have the ability of preditcing the outcome,or happenings, of my life simply by wanting certain things to happen and not others? In many ways that happens everyday, but on a narrower scale. I don’t know what coffee tastes like, because I am not interested in knowing that. Therefore I don’t drink any coffee,so I reach my goal of not knowing what it tastes like. I believe it could happen in larger measures, if I want something sincerely, then it will happen. I believe in the mystique powers of the human brain, which also collaborate with the twists of fate and fortune.

**Fortune: an unknown and unpredictable phenomenon that causes an event to result one way rather than another; “bad luck caused his downfall”; “we ran into each other by pure chance”

This question is inevitable. I ponder on finding an answer to it all the time, and my train of thoughts never ceases to end.

Here’s an interesting term:

** sword of Damocles

a constant and immanent peril; “the possibility hangs over their heads like the sword of Damocles”

The truth about butterflies

In Blurty on November 13, 2004 at 11:23 am

Everybody seems to adore butterflies, and for obvious reasons. Their polychromatic wings, fragile grace and a number of characteristics attributed to them such as delicacy and beauty. I don’t disagree. But I honestly think that butterflies are overrated.

A butterfly is a seemingly harmless and brilliant creature, if seen from a good distance. But if you look closely at the structure of its tenuous frame, you will be surprised. Personally, I “could” look at a butterfly provided its flying 5 + meters away from me. Any closer than that and it’s color red for me. My whole world trembles.
You see, the truth that nobody ever mentions about butterflies is that they are ugly. Yes, ugly. Butterflies are hairy and they have weird faces. They are evidently stupid too. I’m not trying to give reasons why I’m butterfly/moth phobic. I’m just pointing out some long-concealed truths about them.

What I hate the most about butterflies is their random flying technique. It seems as though they have no idea where they want to go and this always means they have to fly close to me, or worse yet, land on me. I, of course, would have left the building before that happens. But it did happen – more than once- that I got trapped in a room and there were butterflies, and I could not escape. My heart almost jumped out of my ribs, and I sincerely could’ve had a stroke. Not to mention the string of pearly tears that rolled down my cheeks and the cry-outs for help and deliverance. Butterflies are scary.

*oh move your body girl*

Needless to say, the same applies to moths. The only difference is that moths make me literally freak out! How stupid is any creature willing to burn keenly Sfor the love of light?

*On second thoughts, many people do that. “Light” can mean knowledge. Pensive state. Think about that. *

What I find so amusing are the constant attempts people project, trying to fix me. Every time anyone knows about my phobia, she/he finds it imperative to tell me how ridiculous it is.

DuH~!

Phobias do NOT make sense. A phobia is an irrational fear of something. Then they start telling me how cute butterflies are * I’ve noticed * and all about their beauty and harmlessness. They do not realize that I don’t want to be fixed, I hate butterflies and that’s that. I dare anyone mention three reasons why I should like butterflies. Frankly, I can’t see why I should like them or overcome my fear of them.

Butterflies: Go to hell. And stay there!

“Butt” seriously

In Blurty on November 11, 2004 at 11:41 am

You know how cosmo has all these articles about sex n bodily occupations * be they fashion,work outs,food* etc… well I somehow have an issue of cosmo that had instantly attracted my attention. The cover had a picture of a super sexy amazon, who seemed to belong to some paradise, and there was a bold title that read “Butt seriously”.

So here’s what I did the first time I saw that issue: I grabbed the mag,browsed hastily through the contents in search for that article. which,naturally, turned out to be more about pictures *of perfect models that only exist on mag pages* than useful words.

I personally think that cosmo limits the female mind, and worse yet, draws a negative image of it. I mean ok, I like fashion and i like lotsa other things that every other girl likes…I *am* a girl. But this doesn’t mean that I’m all about that, and that only. It just serves to quench my thirst for fashion and accessories and things of the sort. But what about my brain? my knowledge? my intellectual horizon?
I don’t know who to blame. Girls, the media, or male-dominated socities? In a way I find it right to blame all three.

Girls strive to gain the approval of guys or ,men. The media encourages this fever by displaying and trasnmitting messages that tell girls to go do WHATEVER IT TAKES to look good, in other words, to satisfy men’s desires. Society encourages this even more, because it is dominated by men and men want what they want. They want perfect looking girls who are centered on the sole idea of pleasing them. Men generally control the media,so they reflect this social tendency in the media. It’s like a loop.

* I seriously am NOT against men or anything. It just so happens that what I say makes sense to me. Relax, I like guys… OH, and I am straight <<<< stress that *

So back to my argument ..

I think that in many ways women are treated as inferior beings to men. The reasons for that are many, I won’t go through them now because I’m simply not in the mood for that. But anyhow, my point is this : we have gotten so used to treating women the way we do, that it doesn’t seem wrong anymore. It doesn’t annoy us nor does it annoy women themselves due to deeply-rooted ignorance in our societies. So feminists say things, I don’t necessarily agree with everything they say, but there’s alot of right in most of their presentations. And we reject their ideas completely. Why? Because they are different. and they are not like everything we’ve been brought up to believe is right, they contrast with our own beliefs which we have never questioned. In a way, we are in the wrong, and we are not trying to get out of it. Saying this, I am not implying that we should accept extremist feminist opinions, all I’m saying is that we have this constant fear of opening the door lest our ideas turn out to be wrong.

Funny how when I say these things to friends, female friends sometimes, I find some opposition. It’s also heart breaking how many girls are unaware of this fact. That they lack many things, that there is more to life than pleasing your boyfriend by looking so hot and sassy. What pains me the most is that they don’t even want to try to understand what I say, and I think that’s because of a limited mental capability that’s caused mainly by our deformed upbringing.
People are prejudiced against female thinkers or achievers. They immediately associate feminine success with some type of failure in another field, mainly social or physical. A thought that is in circulation is that if a female is successful then she must be either lifeless,nerdy,or ugly. * sometimes all three* Here’s the equation :

Successful female = No life + Book Dweller + Ugly

Needless to say, such an equation doesn’t exist for successful men. The equation in that case is somewhat like this :

Successful male = Perfect social life + Intelligence + Stable financial status (Consequently achieving satisfaction via women and earthly pleasures )

I got the chance of talking with so many people about this. I believe that women are capable, as much as men -if not more- of achieving any goal they want. This idea is generally ridiculed and disregarded in the course of discussion. The counter argument would almost always be something along the lines of : “Women were created to be mothers only. A woman should stay at home. A woman exists to please the man. Women should not compete with men financially because that “disrupts” the balance of life.” Well there are no sufficient words that could possibly describe how much I disagree with that.

I can’t see why a woman can’t be a great mother and a great achiever outside the confinement of four walls. I can’t see why an achieving woman should look any less appealing to the eyes of men. I can’t see why she can’t have her own financial stability. I’ll tell you what I think… I think most men are insecure and are raised with the notion that they are superior to women. Therefore,any sort of competition shakes their balance and famous ego. In their minds, they should be always “better” than women. Simply because they are called something else “men”. So when a woman is successful, they feel threatened that she might be more capable of achieving the dreams she aspires to than they are. They start inventing stories about her being a rebel who does not stick to the rules of society and who is a general disgrace. These ideas are also instilled in other women that are controlled by these men,and this explains the anti-feminist females. *the severity of this judgement varies from one society to another*

I don’t mean to sound aggressive or judgmental. Some men are capable of admitting that women can excel, and are so open minded that they share a woman’s success and accept it. Why shouldn’t they? Women do not threaten men. We are all one.

In my own way, I think I am trying to reflect an image of an intellectual female. I am trying to dismiss that same idea that says that if a female is intellectual then she’s ugly. I am pretty and I am smart. And I speak from my own experience when I admit that it has threatened many guys whom I’ve gotten to know. They are not used to dealing with a girl who is not all about pleasing them,but who also has her opinion in things. I can’t help them in that department, because I will not change as long as I find myself reflecting my beliefs.

Again I find it essential to stress this point : I am not against men,be they successful or not. I am not an extremist. I have carefully observed how things run in the world around me and formed my opinion accordingly. Think for yourself, then judge. Do not repeat a commonplace comment that you have heard somewhere. Think and be just.

On a final note, have you ever noticed how even language is bias in this regard? I always use the mixed pronouns he/she when I write. It’s only fair.

optional, for use on longer entries

In Blurty on November 7, 2004 at 1:04 am

That’s what the program says next to the word “Subject”. optional,eh? what is that anyhow? what’s optional? what’s a choice as opposed to an option? are they synonims? Do languages provide synonims as an “entertaining” alternative for original words? If so, then which are the originals and which are the alternatives?

I think I’m just tired. I better go sleep before I come up with some peace treaty with my thoughts and the world.

crippled ideas

In Blurty on October 13, 2004 at 10:37 am

So people keep asking me this question : what does tololy stand for? what does the word mean? who came up with it?
and to all the curious folks out there , i say : BLEH.

Like when i tell someone, a new friend of mine for instance : “hey people who are close to me call me tololy, i’d like it if u called me that too.” why ,oh why, does that person HAVE TO dwell on the fact that such a word doesn’t exist in any language she/he knows? lol doesn’t that person see the flag ? i am telling her/him that i consider her/him to be a close friend and that i want to reward her/him by letting her/him call me sth special.

As time passed by, and i got to know more people, and had to live with numerous questions concerning the ever mysterious “tololy”, i developed an answering formula. I’d always reply to those who ask me what it stands for : “OH, it stands for ME” . and I’d have this arrogant smile on my face, because i am telling them that i have 2 names that have absolutely nothing in common. therefor, by some twisted formula, i am better than all those who only have one name. and i am also better than those who get called “common” names. as in, say, Mohammad becomes Hammoudeh. what is that? it’s not unique.

Someone once asked me to elaborate on the “it stands for me” statement. so i said : ” Tololy is me, and I am Tololy. This word exists with a single meaning only, me. in the whole world there exists one tololy and that one tololy is sitting right here with you. this word represents me as an individual and you will hear it nowhere else”. that person drooled.

Another interesting question i hear alot is this: ” so who came up with the name? who invented it?”. I always say : ” I dont know”. oh but I do know. as far as i can remember it was my eldest sister,i was still at school at the time, probably 5th or 6th grade. and she kept singing a catchy song from a TV ad, the ad was about some sort of chocolate called Tivoly or sth similar. Then, by some odd chance or game or call it what u may, she called me Tololy. the 2 words rhyme. not funny at all, so wipe that smile off your face you!
The name caught on, and by time everybody in the family started calling me Tololy or Tolol. . And i loved it. Coz well, HELLO!, my real name is a true legend in length. lol very unique though.

There came a time when nobody called me tololy, then it was brought back to life by me. Nowadays everybody who knows me well enough knows what to call me when they want something. Tololy. that’s the key to my heart.

One last thing before I stop blurting, I think they call a super fast train in Japan tololy. and some other thing in turkey, i forgot what that thing was. hehehe i always stay updated about what happens with my UNIQUE name, it’s been a while though since i last checked it out. oh well… im still super kewl. cheerz

Stressed

In Blurty on March 17, 2004 at 9:48 am

I just dont get it… it’s rather weird..not to mention shocking,how life changes so suddenly… i try to understand the why’s n how’s but i simply can’t..i end up in some sort of a maze..a tunnel that leads to nowhere land….i get tired, i sleep it off… i wake up still havin it in the back of my head..burried…hidden… i live my day as usual… pretending that everything is alright when it really isn’t.. then some tiny tiny thing happens and all of my resentment and sadness and confusion rise again… i awake the dragon. and it burns.

In Blurty on March 2, 2004 at 10:15 am

I’m not wearing any nail polish… and this state i’m currently in is seriously annoying,, yesterday it was black with white dots… it was so neat… but today…uhh today… it’s non existent.

indescribable.

In Blurty on February 23, 2004 at 8:59 am

back to uni i go.. first day in the second sem… what the hell why was i so excited about it anyway.. guess holidays just kill all the fun,to me at least..i hate holidays

Happy!!

In Blurty on January 13, 2004 at 11:37 am

kay so this is my first entry… I’m on Greenpeace international.. Yeppeee!!! I’m proud of myself… heh… http://act.greenpeace.org/1073895903/index_html